Blog draft mar 30 26

Unresolved

My sister Carol died January 6, 2026. This was 6 days before her 84th birthday on January 12. She had been in a nursing facility for several months and had hired an estate manager in Arizona. Instructions were to forward remaining property items to our older brother in Rochester, New York. The house and car had been sold, and furniture had been disposed of as well. All that remains is settling her assets to charities and individuals she has chosen. So far, all is going smoothly and I doubt any delays will be encountered. That seems to be resolved.

What is not resolved is Carol’s odd sense of family. She worshipped chosen family and made it known that birth family was inferior. She pretty much dedicated her life to chosen others and quietly left birth family in the dust. She said as much to me several times over the years.

Once, she absented herself from my wife and I for 21 years. Calling her last known phone number in Chicago, I was informed by her apartment mate that she was to tell Ann and George that Carol had returned to California but not report her new phone number or address. That silence was intended. It lasted 21 years.

After our parents managed to reconnect us, Carol said little of the matter but once referred to it as a silence I had started and for no known reason. I countered that was not the case and that she had authored the action. She demurred and we never spoke of it again.

Adding to this mystery is this reality: we both had addiction problems with alcohol and cigarettes, were both gay, workaholics and dedicated to our owned businesses. Those commonalities are big time issues and intrinsically shared. We never spoke of them. All my entreaties to discuss them were rejected.

She died of COPD and continued to smoke up to her last day on this earth. She was sober for over 50 years and very active in AA. She sold her successful business and did very well financially. She lost her gay partner after 46 years of being together and missed her painfully. In fact, I believe this to be the cause of her early death. (We Safford’s live long into our mid-90’s; mom made it past 104.)

 So many questions remain. Why did she distance herself from her birth family? Why did she treat us so oddly over the years?

We will never know. Nor is it vital that we do know. The fact the question remains is just another delineator of how our lives differ one from so many others. Such differences provide the spice to the fabric of our lives. We need to value the differences, not necessarily understand them.

March 30, 2026

Remember the Epstein Files

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Intimacy

As we mature, we become deeply involved in relationships. Some of this is basic family relations – siblings, parental – and the like. Next is friends who enter our homes and we theirs. Neighbors, classmates, mutual hobbyists and so forth. Then we develop friendships that go much deeper. We comfort one another when we are hurting physically or emotionally. We discuss the matters of life and learn much more about ourselves and each other. We can even anticipate how others will react to various situations and stimuli. Good friendships do not spread to everyone we know. No, good friendships are special, close and deeply personal. We focus attention and brainpower on these few friends. Some special relationships focus on specific topics of interest and importance. Yes, we have specialized friendships. Most common. But one day, we get to know one person very well. An emotional connection forms with deep roots. A need to know the person more fully expands in personal ways. We sense this b...
Read more

Bits & Pieces

Pie: Apple pie more specifically. With Thanksgiving just passed, many of us enjoyed a good apple pie. Sure, there was pumpkin to accompany the turkey, but in our family multiple pies are offered in the holidays. Apple is surely one. Pecan, pumpkin and others, too. But I almost always choose apple. When I was in college, I was asked what kind of pie did I eat most often. In front of my mom, I answered apple, because I was always looking for a pie as good as mom’s own. Of course my mother was pleased, but it was a true statement just the same. When I was married, Ann’s pie was darned good. Her mother’s recipe. But we fiddled with the recipe until it took on its own generational name, and boy, was it good! Today I still order apple pie for dessert because I am always looking for a great pie to challenge our family recipes. I rarely do find such a prize. Do others do the same? Do you search for a great pie of choice, continually? If you do, what’s your story? Why do you do this? ...
Read more

Remembering Tom Sherlock

Tom Sherlock died on Wednesday, April 3rd. He was 65 years old and did not survive a heart surgery. That was his unexpected end and sad enough. But there is more to his story. Tom joined Dan Schuyler and George Safford to create what became the Village Chronicles, a weekly newspaper serving Warrenville, Illinois. That paper expanded to serve Winfield and then West Chicago. The paper published for eight years and built a good reputation for itself. Tom served the paper in several ways. He was our information technology guru, provided hardware and software to support the paper's operations. He was our sole bookkeeper, accountant and financial manager. He designed our distribution process and provided office space for meetings and layout and typesetting. His efforts supported the work of 32 volunteers who wrote and reported on the communities we served.  The newspaper broke even financially most of the time, but it was a struggle. Tom managed to find money to keep the newspaper afloat...
Read more