Intimacy

As we mature, we become deeply involved in relationships. Some of this is basic family relations – siblings, parental – and the like. Next is friends who enter our homes and we theirs. Neighbors, classmates, mutual hobbyists and so forth. Then we develop friendships that go much deeper. We comfort one another when we are hurting physically or emotionally. We discuss the matters of life and learn much more about ourselves and each other. We can even anticipate how others will react to various situations and stimuli.

Good friendships do not spread to everyone we know. No, good friendships are special, close and deeply personal. We focus attention and brainpower on these few friends. Some special relationships focus on specific topics of interest and importance. Yes, we have specialized friendships. Most common.

But one day, we get to know one person very well. An emotional connection forms with deep roots. A need to know the person more fully expands in personal ways. We sense this bond is different from our other relationships. The difference involves the emotion we call love. Love comes in many forms, but depth is the critical element. We need this person in our life. We come to value the other as necessary for us to live properly if at all.

Someplace along the process, we encounter the need to become physical with this other. Of course this entails sexuality. A very complex concept indeed. Sexuality is not even understood at the early stages. It just becomes its own thing in time, with this person. The touch, nearness and physical interaction becomes much more intimate. It is consensual because it is a shared value between the two people. It communicates commitment, understanding, and the need for closeness. It needs a fulfillment that draws us into action. A penultimate interaction follows that becomes unique to the pair.

This is intimacy. It emerges differently for each person. Each relationship does not require this intimacy, only one or very, very few.

This topic is raised because aging diminishes but does not eliminate the need for intimacy in whatever form it takes. With death of spouses, the need for intimacy continues. It requires a new person to realize it. Most of the time such a new partner is not found. It depends on age of course (different for a 50 or 60 year old compared with an 80 or 90 year old). It also depends on the circumstances and social environment.

Perhaps the loss of intimacy is a core of grieving a lost life partner. I am in this process. I have only questions. And some emerging yearnings. But no answers. No resolution. Just questions.

Am I the only one feeling this issue? Surely not. Surely this is one of the most critical dimensions of grief?

I guess time will tell. Gosh. So much to learn in life!

June 13, 2025

 

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