Dysfunctional Family

It appears first in communication style. Maybe a little snarky, or slow and delayed? Word choice favoring loaded meanings enter here as well. Mainly, it is just not being anchored to any sense of what is meaningful between the two or three family members.

It may take a few years for the patterns to become recognized, even then it is often missed. An outsider is often helpful, usually quite unplanned. A friend may witness an interchange between you and another family member and casually ask what’s wrong between the two of you? Of course, you are clueless and ask why. The discussion can be quite illuminating.

My family and I have been separated by many miles for many decades. A sister in Arizona, a brother in New York and me in Illinois. There have been geographical shifts in years past, but this alignment has been current for 40 years now. Who initiates communications is where I start but this is not always a good indicator. Who picks up on the letter, phone message or email and follows through is a good tell. For us, that’s the primary clue.

Now that we are all in our 80’s, you would think (I do) that we would be in closer contact, at least by email. But we are not. So, communication is silent. This can go on for years; in one instance, 21 years was the silent treatment. A bit drastic, eh? Currently it is a matter of 6 months or so. Sister is now in nursing home with care. Brother remains independent with wife and is comfortable. Health issues abound for all three of us. But no discussion of that is forthcoming evidently. So independent lives continue with little or no interruption.

I feel this is a dysfunctional behavior. Although I seem to be the only one bothered by it, I guess I’ll not interrupt the status quo and remain silent, too. I’ve tried recently to change that but haven’t received any response. I doubt I will.

There are those who say not to give up on family. In this case I think they are the ones who have given up. There is plenty for me to focus on in life that is more important than this pettiness. Besides, those other things are more enjoyable and fruitful. I’ll pivot now and live more fully without meaningless detours.

Sigh. What else can one do?

August 4, 2025

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