Anniversary Post

This blog has been in production since October 3, 2011. That is a full 13 years of blogging. Some periods had daily posts, that’s 7 days per week. A year or so later I took Sundays off, then posted a thought for the day on Saturdays. So, much of the time witnessed 5 posts weekly, Monday through Friday.

As I begin the 14th year, I intend to write more about the human condition, especially that of an old, gay guy. I don’t know how many of them there are, but not a lot. I suspect some of what I write will be very normal. No surprises. And then, there will be a few aha moments.

I had one the other night. A friend of mine, gay, shared a pizza supper. It was the first time in years that we had the table to ourselves. Usually, one or two friends join us.

Our chat included a lot of things I do not recall discussing in the past. One is unique because I have had so little experience with it. Grieving Rocky’s loss 14 months ago has been a wake-up call for me. And yet, my grieving does not seem similar to that of others going through the same thing. My friend pointed out that they are not gay and that I am. The experience of growing up gay, struggling with it, keeping it a secret to die for, and not wanting to be gay, all played a part in my openly reacting and showing emotion. It is an ingrained response.

I had not thought of it that way. Of course it is true. So much personal defense behavior is employed by gay people for a host of reasons. We don’t even know we are doing it. In this case, my friend pointed out something that struck me dumb. An aha moment for sure.

Many people have wondered how I could have married a woman, kept the marriage vital for nearly 26 years and raised 2 kids all the while turning out to be gay. Explaining how that did and can happen, is not easy. Good friends have wondered about this and rarely ask about it. Talking about it with straight people is difficult because so much of the gay identity is not encouraged to disclose to others. If you are reluctant to accept being gay, sharing this with others is even more difficult.

I don’t want to get into the weeds here but suffice it to say that sexual identity is a very complicated thing and not to be taken for granted. Much of this I still don’t understand. But I do feel it. Intensely.

Missing Rocky is big. Learning to live without him is difficult but not as much as others when you are gay. I’m used to living on the margins and hiding deeper feelings. In 81 years, it has become automatic. Not comfortable, but automatic.

So, that’s a start for my 14th year in this space. Thanks for reading. Thanks for your companionship.

October 2, 2024

 

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