Getting to Know You

Forty years ago, my then mother-in-law wished she could be a fly on the wall when my wife Ann and I traveled to England. She saw me as an extrovert who could talk with anyone. She felt certain we would have a great trip because we would interact with the Brits easily and comfortably. 

At the time I didn't see myself that way. Yet, on the trip she was exactly right. I remember one time we were in the heart of London and walking down a sidewalk. We meandered, searching for street names and buildings. A woman walked up to me and asked if she could be of any help. I said, yes, told her what we were looking for, and she took my hand and walked me to the corner. Ann followed. The woman pointed to a building and told me that was the address we were searching for. She smiled and told to have a nice day. 

Other instances of easy connections with people throughout the trip made our journey eventful, happy and wonderful. All we needed to do was ask anyone nearby and we were certain to get help. And start meaningful conversations, too.

That experience taught me to be open with strangers and ask whatever. The responses were almost always positive and heartfelt. A smile helps. So does appearing vulnerable, not knowing. I found most strangers willing to help in those situations.

Humble and pleasant may be the catchwords here. I doubt a stranger would help a haughty, assertive person. They would most likely prefer to watch such a person stumble around and get it wrong!

Turning it around, I learned I preferred to help someone who seemed open, humble and pleasant. It was so much easier to connect with them and be authentic, friendly. We could respond comfortably with each other and celebrate our commonality. Somehow that was the core of the situation. Both people are reliant on one another. Our common interests were aligned without our knowing it. I wanted to feel needed and valued, and the other wanted feel supported and aided. The connection had two sides to the equation and was completed.

My work at the university put me in potential contact with nearly 40,000 people daily. Not all needed my help. I didn't need much help. I knew the place and its functions. I understood where things were and how things worked. I could help others more than they could help me. Yet, my job was not complete unless I was working to help others. That was the job. That was the core of why I worked there. 

Being open to that basic transactional hub helped me know other people. Almost all of them were complete strangers but we forged a connection and maintained it for the duration of their stay at the campus. If no other contact was needed, we remained strangers but ones who could connect because we once did.

Being human with other humans. Why would we hold back? Why wouldn't we help one another? Why would a distance be maintained? Distrust? Unsure of motives? Manipulation? Why do we hold back when so much more is gained by being open and connecting?

My mother-in-law was right. We had a great trip because we allowed others into our lives. They reciprocated and allowed us into their lives. We learned much from each other. We came to understand England so much better this way. We truly got a taste of the people and their culture. This was the culture experienced not one read about in a book. The human culture lived and felt by real people. Connecting with them opened all of that to us.

A fly on the wall, indeed!

August 14, 2024


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