Boredom

This past weekend I was free from work responsibilities, that is volunteer tasks! Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday were free of obligations other than a visit to my son on Sunday. I had lots of time to do anything I wanted. But I didn’t.

Well, I did figure out how to use several features of the new used car. I am now hands free for the telephone, can work the navigation system, know how to use the cruise control, and can now operate the garage door opener button on the rearview mirror. I can also use the headlights (not automatic) and the wipers (also not automatic) but still haven’t figured out how to turn on the rear hatch window wiper. I’ve loaded the CD changer with six CDs and have finally figured out the stereo balance (front to back, right to left) and the tone tuning. I think I am good to go for the most part. By the way, gas mileage is up to 36.5 mpg. Pretty pleased with that!!

I wrote a few blogs, kept my internet work up-to-date, and began to catch up on correspondence. I took naps. I watched a bunch of TV documentaries. I caught up with making doctor appointments. And I ate several meals. Other than that, nothing. I mean nothing.

I could have taken some drives long put off. I didn’t. I could have visited family and friends. I didn’t. I could have done some errands but didn’t have any to do. So, I did nothing. Sat in my cocoon and began to think of the boredom that welled up.

I have not experienced any of this during my retirement. I keep myself busy and nourish the brain. No boredom. With Rocky’s death, however, I really have time on my hands. I think this is another form of grieving. Rocky not being here, present, is a new definition of lonely. And nothingness. It is a stark reminder of his passing. Yes, I am pretty sure this is part of grieving. Keeping busy insulated me from thinking about this. Now I have to.

I sometimes wonder if other people know this is going on in my life. Do my kids know that I am not ignoring them? I am protecting them from constantly intruding in their busy lives, but do they know why? Do they understand my preoccupation of loneliness? Of nothingness?

Hmmm. I thought I was doing pretty well with the grief thing. Maybe I’m not. But really, rides in the country by myself? Who does that?

I have to work on this.

May 20, 2024

 

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