Living Alone

Rocky’s death has left me alone. Most of the day and all night. Twenty-four hours of potential solitude. I have weathered through this situation well these past few months. But an eternity lies ahead.

Friends and family, especially neighbor Pam, have kept me engaged and productive. Volunteer work has kept me embraced with intellectual stimulation and creative work. Reading, napping and documentaries on TV have filled many hours. I am generally rested and a participant in life.

Being alone provides time to explore the deeper meanings of life. A thinker most of my life, I have pondered many topics endlessly. That’s one source of my blogging. One of those benefits is a deeper understanding of many things. The logic of life is a great teacher. Paying attention unlocks a lot of details missed on earlier occasions.

Being alone at night has not been easy.  The room seems soulless. No one to talk with. No one to share the space. Just me. Along and thinking of many things. That only builds more aloneness.

Getting up in the morning is alone. Shuffling through early morning rituals and starting the day is alone. Computer time allows me to enter the larger world, get the news, assemble the blogs, write the newsletters I do throughout the year, and focus on client casework. Those activities pull me into meaningful work and thought. That is where my attention goes and builds. That work is not alone time although I do this stage of the work alone.

Eating breakfast and lunch alone, putzing around the apartment doing various things, is alone. Dinner is usually with Pam, and an evening of TV entertainment done the same with Pam. That part of the day is the only time I know will not be alone time, and it is a huge comfort.

Last weekend I realized I had not been on an aimless drive in the country for a long time. That has been a constant part of my life for decades. Family knows this, they were there. Rocky knew this, he was a constant companion on those rides for many years. So, Saturday, I went on a drive. A lot of traffic these days, but I fought through it and headed for the open western country.

But something was wrong. There was no one to share it with. The car was empty but for me. Alone. Starkly so.

Perhaps this is why I now drive only 25 miles a week or so. Just errands and doctor appointments. That’s it. Alone is no fun for driving the idle adventure. That reality is sinking in. Another reminder of the finality of death.

March 8, 2024

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