A New Thanksgiving

Rocky died July 23rd, four months ago today. His 79th birthday would have been November 28th. His absence for this holiday and birthday will be the first in the 23 years we were together. Powerful to know this and feel it. Intellectually I am fine. Emotionally, I don’t know. Grieving is a slow and ponderous process never quite done. This is my first up close and personal grieving. Many friends have told me I would feel many different things throughout the process. Each person’s journey is different.

I agree with that assessment. I feel prepared for that journey. But the living of it will prove the reality. I await surprises.

This entire year has been a slow goodbye to Rocky. Along the way my mind took respite in memories over the past 80 years. One of those was living in New England for 6 years during my formative years. My daughter Liz and great friend Pam accompanied me on a recent trip to the Berkshire Hills of western Massachusetts. Facing the old but treasured life experiences during that trip was very good. Bittersweet, too, but good for the soul. Perspectives jumped to mind. What I know today and how to live through that is much different from the youngster I was back then. Aged 11 to 17 at the time, a gentle, frightened spirit confronted adulthood in short, gasping breaths. Feeling and knowing were confused. Sexual awakening was uncomfortable. Nagging doubts about homosexuality were present then, but totally unresearched, unknown and unexplored. I was in hiding where I remained for over thirty years.

Intellectual development soared, however, and my education became penultimate. So too my cultural development in the arts, mostly music. These two themes guided my life for many years; they still do. I credit my years in Massachusetts as the gift that made much of my becoming a person. The trip will be a huge well of memories for the years ahead.

Bringing that past to today’s present is a different transaction. I think I will weather it well, but don’t know that. Of course, there are other memories to explore in detail, but I don’t want them to become distractions to the business of grieving. Rocky was so much a part of me and my identity. The memories of the past 23 years are plentiful and powerful. I have those to accompany my remaining years. They will be welcomed and treasured. I just hope I can do justice by them.

Meanwhile exploring those memories will rely less on travel visits and more on memory exercise. Those do not entail tripping and falling obstacles, or travel expense.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Be safe. Be snug today. Hug a loved one. Most of all give thanks for all that you are and have in your life. 

November 23, 2023

  

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