Separation

Five weeks of separation, soon to be six, the loss of companionship is felt. Deeply. Starkly.  Yet the feeling was hesitant, almost not noticed.

Being alone. Rearrangement of daily routines. Only one for breakfast. No one to talk to. No one to tend to. The other person in life was absent. The absence became noticeable. Longing for normalcy replaced his presence. Was this a form of cognition? An omen of the future? The beginning of grieving?

Focus on routine changed. Meals became spotty, often skipped. Bedtime shifted every night. Gone were 8 hours of continuous sleep. Now it was sleeping in spurts of 45 minutes or an hour and a half. Then two hours here and three hours there. And naps, of course. Naps became urgent remedy to poor sleeping habits.

A common multitude of tasks and interests became singular. Now it was client appointments, and then it was a visit to the nursing home. Long term planning was scant. Less and less permanence of tasks were present. Waking hours, sleeping hours, food, showers and dressing, and visits to the nursing home. Those were the duties consuming the days now.

Communication during the visits is poor. The electro larynx buzzes and sputters but intelligible communication barely present. Hand printed messages on a small white board helped at first, then devolved into unreadable squibbles. Phone texting proved difficult to see and one-letter composing too difficult for him. The I-pad was in use for social media. Why not communication by email or messaging?

That was suggested. But he resisted. Refused. Communication continued to be little and confusing.

Soon visits were frustrating and increasingly silent. Sitting in the same room staring at each other. Discomforted, a strain began to form. Was this going to be the new normal, both at home and in the nursing home? Not a pleasant thought.

And so, the trek home once again. A quick lunch followed by a nap. Then some small tasks to keep things moving. Just not disciplined and efficient. Just the doing. The eking out of a daily routine, unsatisfactory and painful.

Is this the long goodbye?

February 21, 2023

 

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