Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day was yesterday, October 11th. It is the national day recognizing the struggle of gay persons to be free and admit to the world they are gay. It is a recognized moment each year to accomplish two things: first is to experience the freedom from hiding oneself; second is the courage to admit to oneself they are gay. The second is really the first step. Announcing to the world and everyone in it can’t happen without the other.

I didn’t know I was gay until later in life. I had clues from when I was 7 to 10. By 11 I was questioning things. By 14 I had a good picture of the truth. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s that I experienced gay sex. Still, I didn’t want to be this way. So, I hid it, from myself and others.

I pursued the American Dream, married and became a father. I struggled to build a meaningful career to fulfill myself and support my family. Then, one day, I know not why, I looked into the bathroom mirror and said aloud, “Huh. I’m gay and it doesn’t matter.” At the end of that sentence, I felt a small pang of freedom. I didn’t share this avowal with anyone else. I was 37 years old.

When I was 50, I was divorced. A sad happening. An unwanted happening. However, the beginning of a new freedom had begun.

Telling the kids, now 22 and 19, one a college graduate, the other a sophomore in college, became a difficult task to work on. My daughter had grown up with gay friends, so it was easy. Telling my son was another matter and it took another year or so to have the conversation.

From that time on until this day I have lived a gay life. Not a perfect one, but one of self-awareness and action. I purposely shared my status with friends and family. Not all at once, but in bits and pieces. Work colleagues went much more slowly. I was not a flaming gay, rather a conservative one still hiding the true self from many.

Now, years later, I really don’t care. I am too old to care about this. But I am painfully aware how difficult it is to be free to accept oneself in this matter. Over a long time, I now know that being different has been a blessing to me even when I dreaded it and hid in my own closet. Perhaps this lifelong experience has made me a ponderer and a helper. Difficult work either way. But true to the real me.

I also know that coming out is a continuous matter. Not everyone is aware of gayness in others, but I have found that I don’t need to announce it to everyone. Instead, I live each day open and self-aware. 

That is a refreshing way to live, more fully, and a rich reward to boot.

October 12, 2022

 

 

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