Grieving

I am a member of a widows and widowers grief group. My case recognizes husband Rocky’s death 2 years ago July 23, 2023. Alone, this experience has taught me about loss, loneliness, lack of hugs, pats and kisses. There is much more than that to be learned as well.

In the midst of this, I just learned a few days ago that my ex-wife has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It has already spread, of course, the very nature of this specific cancer. Doctors have suggested a prognosis of 90 days. Another loss is in the making. In this case, we were married nearly 26 years, remained amiable for the last 30 years plus the years before we were married. All in all, we have known each other for 58 years. As expected, our kids are hurting.

Grief comes in many colors and shapes. Each is heavy in its own right. All of it teaches lessons we would rather not learn, at least in this manner. Yes, death is inevitable, but it is also painful.

One of my granddaughters once disturbed by a death in the family, asked her mom if death is automatic, what’s the point? A stunner, that question. From the mouth of a very young girl, probably 6 or 7 years old.

We adults ask the same question. Perhaps not so succinct, but the same meaning. Why is death such a big deal? We have no memory or knowledge of what came before our birth, but we hope that memory and knowledge will continue after death. But will it? That’s the primary question wrestled by religious thought through the ages. Whether we believe in life after death or not, at least the memory of our lives is kept by survivors and perhaps history buffs for many years to come.

What matters, of course, is the life lived between its inception and demise. Did we use our time wisely? Did we make a difference for the good in the lives of others? Did we live a good life? That is the core of what matters, I think. What and how is variable and unique to each of us. It might be aided by education and wealth, but both are not necessary to live a life of value and weight. That’s what I am learning from the grieving process.

I admit this lesson does not assuage the loss of significant others. It just doesn’t. Thus, the search for comfort and peace is sought by grief groups. Good thing they exist. They matter.

July 28, 2025