Discovery

Life is a constant stream of discovery. Coming to know the reasons for things is one thing. That’s the why. Another dimension is what. What is this thing we are dealing with? What are its dimensions, its reach, its effects? Who is yet another dimension. Who are you? Who am I. What defines the separation between you and I, them and us, and so forth?

The who, what and why of life are ever present. They are bits and pieces of my life, yours, and everyone else’s. Always has been. Always will be. That is one of the facts of life we don’t think to define or wrestle with.

Well, the wrestling is automatic. If we don’t know or understand something, we mess around with it until we are comfortable in its presence. That doesn’t mean we work it out and understand it, it just means we are familiar with it and accept its presence. Sort of like love. Who knows or understands love and all of its dimensions? See what I mean?

In accepting the presence of something we don’t understand, we still make decisions about our lives that include everything in our context of life. Even if we don’t understand it, it has an effect on our life.

I have the perfect example for you: sexual orientation.

We all have this orientation. For most people, attraction between males and females physically, sexually, is a given norm. It is so normal we don’t think about it. Not much, anyway. We act on it. We become aware others are acting similarly. Over time we accept this as the norm. Although there is a huge exception to this norm, homosexuality, there are many variations of heterosexuality. Some people are mildly attracted sexually to another person (opposite sex situation), while others are wildly attracted to a person.

If sexual orientation were arranged on a spectrum, ‘A’ being straight, and ‘G’ being gay, there are all the other variations in between. Smack in the middle is bisexual, an orientation where people are attracted to others regardless of their gender.

Although this discussion is normative, I want to focus on the exception. In my case, I am gay. I think I must have been gay always, but that includes life phases in which the terms are not understood let alone known. A five-year-old kid does not know straight from gay or what that means. But the internal orientation is part of the person’s makeup.

Coming to know gender orientation is something that takes time. A lot of time. If you are in the norm, there are many clues as to meaning, how to act and all the rest of it. Your friends give you hints at first, then jokes, then discussion on the finer points. It you are not in the norm, there are few if any clues available.

I grew up in the 1940’s and 50’s. I don’t even think ‘gay’ was a term used in those days. Hetero and homo were. Even those were not talked about often. They were academic or quietly whispered. Growing up in those days were difficult for gay kids. There were no models of behavior regarding their gender orientation. What minor clues existed were referred to negatively.

This negativity continued through the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. By the 90’s, terminology became more inclusive and academic. Social norms were examined and broadened, but not by much. Imagine how that would affect your life?

I remember one day looking in the bathroom mirror combing my hair, and I suddenly said to myself, “You are gay, and it is OK.” I recall being 37 years old at the time. I was stunned by that admission. No preparation or thinking was in my head that I can remember. Just suddenly, I looked at myself and admitted this central identification feature of my life.

I did not know what to do with this information and did not take any action based on it for many years. Ann and I were divorced in 1993 at my age of 50. We both started our adult lives over at that moment.

It took me seven years to find Rocky and build a marriage relationship. We were together 23 years before he died. In the meanwhile, we had a public commitment ceremony in a church when we were together 5 years, and then, when it became legal, we were married. This came seven and a half years before Rocky’s death.

A lot of internal and external discussions occurred throughout these periods. A lot. Little by little, lives were made and developed. All without modeling. Very little with advice based on thorough knowledge.

Like so many others, mine has been a life of discovery. None was more important than gender identification and orientation. Yet it was done in isolation and ignorance. All the way. Sad, really. But youth today have help with this.

Thank God for that!

October 23, 2024