Topic Challenge

Writing a blog consistently has its challenges. Topics come and go. Some are hot one day and cold as an ice cube the next. Political issues are always an available topic, but many readers dislike being confronted by a never-ending onslaught of opinions. And opinions they mainly are.

Personal issues are readily available but who is interested? Is there a risk of alienating readers? Is the author’s experience informative or noteworthy? Hard to tell. But at least the writer has the immediate source to tap. Him or herself.

One such topic I have mentioned from time to time, but ached to go into more detail, is the issue of homosexuality. Being gay in America or anywhere else, is a challenge. Getting better for the current generation, but still a problem to manage. Complicated because the issue deals with a central core of a person's identity.

Some would challenge that point of view. They would say my gender or sexual practice does not define me. That is mostly true, but just try defining yourself without mention of sexual matters at some point. When gender identity and orientation are in question, it becomes a major, defining issue. If you are living the norm as straight, then it is less an issue.

When a young kid, I sensed a gender orientation problem. I didn’t have the vocabulary to think about it, just feelings and sensations. Nothing specific. Or defining. Because this was an odd thing, I did not talk about it with anyone. I thought about it from time to time. there were no resources to use in learning more. I did not know the term homosexual. In those days the term gay was not used for this topic. No, there simply was no reference point to help learn about the issue.

As I entered my teens, things became a little clearer. Then the public talk was mostly connected with bullying and embarrassing taunts. ‘Homo’ was the term widely used. soon I learned it was short for homosexual. Finally. A term I could research. First the dictionary. Then the encyclopedia.

Not much help in either case, but at least I knew there was more to this issue than faint feelings and sensations. At least sexuality was the primary connecting point.

After high school, all through college, this issue became more researchable. Still not a comfortable issue to discuss with others. Making it worse, the topics were always associated with negative terms. The issue was clearly a social taboo. The result: less motivation to discuss it.

Entering full adulthood, sexuality for me was not understood or embraced. I avoided it entirely. I was afraid to enter relationships in case they would explode with very unhappy results. No, I focused on education and career building. I became more interested in public issues and social work. Politics, too.

Eventually, I hoped for a normal life with family and kids. A house and a commute. The American Dream in personal terms that defined most Americans. Pretty normal, really. That I could get lost in and savor the results.

But then, reality became quite clear. I was married and we had two children. We were doing well, had a nice house in a great suburb, two cars and had both investment funds for retirement and college educations for the kids. Time, however, took its toll. Relationships became difficult to maintain. That is putting it mildly.

I remember at age 37 looking in the mirror and claiming to myself “I am gay, and it is OK.” Well, on a practical basis it was not OK, but philosophically it was OK. Thirteen years later we were divorced. My wife had the freedom to start over, the kids came with me (they were both in college at the time), and I was finally responsible just for me. It took several years, but I did explore who I was as a gay man, found a life-long partner and shared life with him for 23 years before he died of cancer. That is a recent happening, and still a very delicate topic.

At 80+ I am a widowered gay man contemplating life and writing a blog. What could possibly go wrong with that? We shall see, eh?

May 1, 2024